tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post3694457755839332709..comments2023-05-13T03:35:41.092-07:00Comments on This Teacher reads (and writes): 100 words week 41Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-51521509531920853142012-05-16T13:02:22.643-07:002012-05-16T13:02:22.643-07:00I saw his rag clad body- his twisted gnarled hands...I saw his rag clad body- his twisted gnarled hands working frenziedly in the shadows.<br /><br />I think that bit works. It is strong and evocative. Maybe put a full stop rather than a dash between body and his twisted.<br /><br />You want to show, not tell. Make the reader work.isobelandcathttp://isobelandcat.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-35022582454348118532012-05-14T03:14:36.736-07:002012-05-14T03:14:36.736-07:00Thank you so much for this comment. It's been ...Thank you so much for this comment. It's been so useful and informative having so many interesting and constructive responses.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-65455420667805865782012-05-14T02:10:55.298-07:002012-05-14T02:10:55.298-07:00Anna, I enjoyed both the original and the re-worke...Anna, I enjoyed both the original and the re-worked story. It's a real challenge to 'show' and not 'tell'! The piece gains strength by excluding the last line about the pets - the 'tiny' bones already providing hints. Alternatively, your protagonist could've been holding and twisting a worn dog collar (or similar) through their hands to highlight the pet slant and her concern. Very good work and a great idea to ask for constructive feedback, I think I'll start doing that too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-76929443560616662792012-05-10T12:33:50.150-07:002012-05-10T12:33:50.150-07:00Thank you for reading and commenting. I enjoyed t...Thank you for reading and commenting. I enjoyed this challenge :-)Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-42913708403019918172012-05-10T11:08:15.883-07:002012-05-10T11:08:15.883-07:00I do feel ending the story at "creation"...I do feel ending the story at "creation" would make it stronger. <br />After "I realised I was not alone." the person might wonder if they had found the missing pets, or might call for their own? Then adding "animal" before "skeletons" would do the trick.<br /><br />Either way a great twist to the prompt.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-72341780133167856422012-05-10T11:00:27.104-07:002012-05-10T11:00:27.104-07:00:-):-)Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-57808884190907211262012-05-09T17:16:00.233-07:002012-05-09T17:16:00.233-07:00Better ;)Better ;)ventahlhttp://ventahl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-16364965963840238892012-05-09T16:27:29.354-07:002012-05-09T16:27:29.354-07:00I love it!I love it!SparksInShadowhttp://wordsonehundred.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-60294331059895385932012-05-09T16:25:05.627-07:002012-05-09T16:25:05.627-07:00About writing in general, it's only maybe 50% ...About writing in general, it's only maybe 50% about the plot. The more I write, the more I know how much it's about the editing. Once I found my rhythm with the leaving in, the taking out, and the scaling down, editing became more second nature - like reading becomes after we learn to do it. Editing is vital no matter what kind of writer you are. (Except for the Kerouac types, I guess.) <br /><br />And you are a real writer! There's much to learn, but you're a writer now because you care about it. (I read your response to Ventahl. :) )SparksInShadowhttp://wordsonehundred.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-45675507389411201482012-05-09T10:44:37.949-07:002012-05-09T10:44:37.949-07:00I have had a play with the original piece and made...I have had a play with the original piece and made a few changes. Have not added anything in about the pets; thought I would leave that air of mystery!<br /><br /><br />As the rain took hold, I sought shelter in the remains of the dilapidated manor house. Rattles from deep within alerted me to the fact that I was not alone.<br />My eyes adjusted to the gloom to reveal a rag-clad figure: his hands, twisted and gnarled, worked frenziedly on something hidden by his filthy, hunched body.<br />A bolt of lightning caused him to shuffle back. His morbid obsession was revealed. I clasped my hands over my mouth stifling my scream.<br />A hideous ball of bones - created from the picked-clean bones of countless tiny animals; the unused ones carpeting the ground.<br /> He gazed proudly at his handiwork.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-88973340406139027762012-05-09T10:10:47.117-07:002012-05-09T10:10:47.117-07:00Thank you for taking the time to do this; I feel r...Thank you for taking the time to do this; I feel rather humbled by the fact that you have spend time thinking about this.<br />To be honest I don't spend a lot of time editing my pieces-which is something a *real* or published writer does do...<br />I love the way you reworked it; doesn't quite sound like me (funny that!) but shows how clever editing, reordering and word changes can make a huge difference to the feel of the piece. :O)Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-34218582074447741372012-05-09T10:07:39.187-07:002012-05-09T10:07:39.187-07:00Thank you Susan. It's hard to be dark in a con...Thank you Susan. It's hard to be dark in a concise way!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-10709452817888705692012-05-09T10:06:23.490-07:002012-05-09T10:06:23.490-07:00Thanks so much for leaving such a full and interes...Thanks so much for leaving such a full and interesting comment. Your points made a lot of sense. <br />You hit the nail on the head- it is all about the plot; and that's the real trick!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-40014610305504341372012-05-09T08:40:59.428-07:002012-05-09T08:40:59.428-07:00Very dark and poor pets. I really enjoyed this pie...Very dark and poor pets. I really enjoyed this piece. xSusan Mannhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09445232725431784781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-23329438360701351342012-05-09T04:37:23.508-07:002012-05-09T04:37:23.508-07:00This is just a quick, *suggested* rework, Anna, ba...This is just a quick, *suggested* rework, Anna, based on others comments as well. It might not be what they would have written and they could well disagree. You can take or leave what you wan but I have tried to use your words as much as I can.....<br /><br />It was raining harder now and I sought shelter in the abandoned manor. I soon realised I was not the only one.<br /><br />As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I spied a rag clad body, the hands, gnarled and twisted, working frenziedly in the shadows. He shuffled back and lightning revealed his morbid secret. I stiffled a scream.<br /><br />A monstrous ball of bones had been patiently constructed from the remains of tiny animals, their broken skeletons carpeting the ground like litter. He looked proud of his creation.<br /><br />The missing pets of Bleaktown were a mystery no longer and my search for Scamp was tragically over.ventahlhttp://ventahl.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-46149859090397058452012-05-08T16:18:54.089-07:002012-05-08T16:18:54.089-07:00I like this story, and I really like how we get a ...I like this story, and I really like how we get a picture of the atmosphere and this man in our minds. You're descriptions worked wonderfully for me here.<br /><br />My first thoughts are that the last sentence landed too heavily. It absolutely 'tells' rather than shows. Your instincts are serving you well. In a story so short, I like that we don't know anything about missing pets before the end. At the moment, I can think of two ways you could go with that last sentence: Perhaps an action or a statement he could make that gives the reader a clue to what he's done. Something like, "Found Fluffy and Fifi, have you? Only bones now. Only bones." <br /><br />Or forget the pets altogether and just let your protagonist's fear of the sight drive the ending. (Because of the word count.)<br /><br />The other thing that struck me is that if the mansion was open so the protaganist could duck in from the storm, wouldn't townsfolk have noticed and wanted to keep out dangerous types who might linger there, or the children or teenagers who surely would have been in and out of there getting into mischief? (This is something I only noticed when I read it again.)<br /><br />The main point is that I loved your use of language here. I think your writing voice is wonderful. The rest is all about plot.SparksInShadowhttp://wordsonehundred.wordpress.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-78361919925433498582012-05-08T14:36:30.330-07:002012-05-08T14:36:30.330-07:00Did she mean style or content? One is good to cha...Did she mean style or content? One is good to change to try out different ones to see what you are best at, and the other is pretty much dictated by the prompts we get each week.<br /><br />I know you've been looking for your voice recently so would be interesting to ask her which pieces she thought were most 'you' - those could be the ones written in your voice.Sally-Jaynehttp://www.sjbteaching.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-24172669515173514562012-05-08T13:46:33.108-07:002012-05-08T13:46:33.108-07:00Thank you. The more I write and read, the more the...Thank you. The more I write and read, the more there is to think about. Showed my youngest sis some of my writing . She made some interesting comments...most thought-provoking being it didn't seem like 'me'... Not sure if that's a good thing or not!?Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-34137216354182255512012-05-08T13:28:25.458-07:002012-05-08T13:28:25.458-07:00Don't change the start - the first sentence se...Don't change the start - the first sentence sets the mood for the piece perfectly. Love all the description in the second paragraph - you can tell that something's not right from the words you chose.<br /><br />Perhaps you could add some clues about the missing pets without having to use the words. Not sure what - maybe something about discarded dog collars.<br /><br />You should be really proud of this one though.Sally-Jaynehttp://www.sjbteaching.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-85796883726337435092012-05-08T12:10:08.587-07:002012-05-08T12:10:08.587-07:00Thank you for taking the time to read and comment ...Thank you for taking the time to read and comment :O)Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-53465575052976953452012-05-08T12:09:42.212-07:002012-05-08T12:09:42.212-07:00Thanks so much for reading and for your comments; ...Thanks so much for reading and for your comments; I like your suggestion for the clue in the start. It's something I need to work on- not giving everything away, and not being so cryptic that no one gets it!!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-59334315556792894712012-05-08T12:07:50.595-07:002012-05-08T12:07:50.595-07:00Thanks , glad you enjoyed.Thanks , glad you enjoyed.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-61507748094547364372012-05-08T12:07:24.437-07:002012-05-08T12:07:24.437-07:00Thanks Alison.
Not entirely sure I got the "c...Thanks Alison.<br />Not entirely sure I got the "chill" factor...always room for improvement...Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-35319046687237755942012-05-08T12:06:11.696-07:002012-05-08T12:06:11.696-07:00Thanks for taking the time to read and comment :O)...Thanks for taking the time to read and comment :O)Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03196242830270617518noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6767374934878877802.post-28635009704430112922012-05-08T11:27:22.978-07:002012-05-08T11:27:22.978-07:00I like the last line helped round it off. :)I like the last line helped round it off. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com