...in the dark recess of my mind...
Read the full details over at http://jfb57.wordpress.com/2012/06/18/100-word-challenge-for-grown-ups-week46/#comment-11391
This week's effort is a little darker than my usual offerings.
I am still trying with the 50 000 words! Up to 27K. Am in a bit of a hole (rather a large one at the moment) so am going to the gym for my mile swim to see if that will get my mind whirring again. In the meantime, hope you enjoy.
Read the others at http://www.linkytools.com/wordpress_list.aspx?id=150162&type=basic
Turmoil.
It’s early morning and I can’t sleep.
Again.
When I turn to look at him, I see the man I loved. Those thick dark lashes ( wasted on a man), hair falling carelessly across his eyes, ears with
their crumpled edges from one too many rugby games.
I still love him in these moments.
Safe.
But I know that today,
in the dark recess of my mind, I will plan when to kill him. He has driven me
to this. I know exactly what I need
to do, but will I have the strength to go through with it?
Will I have the strength to walk away?
Really like this. I love the way it makes me want to know the whole story and what happens next.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting.
DeleteOooo Anna! What are you planning?! I'm going to have to warn him I think. Great writing. I'm sure that's how all murders begin!
ReplyDeleteThanks for popping over :) Not sure where these dark thoughts came from on such a lovely day. (That prompt perhaps! ;) )
Deletewow you made the reader feel so safe then nervous for the guy! just want to wake him up and tell him :P wonder what he done? x
ReplyDeleteHe's not a nice man. 'nuf said...
DeleteThanks for reading and commenting :)
Will you have the luck or skill to get away with it? Police investigations know that most murders are committed by those known to the victim. Unless you've spent as much time planning your alibi as planning the deed, think you'll have the strength to walk to jail? Whatever has he done? Maybe he hasn't done anything, just a decade's thousand irritations. All hypothetical, of course ... :/
ReplyDelete;) Thanks for reading and commenting.
DeleteHaving read many of Minette Walters pieces I wouldn't even try to write this genre in more than a few words; so complex.
Wow Anna, where did this come from? I love the contrast in this piece - the peacefulness of those first lines and then that dramatic twist! He must have done something really bad!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wave a wand and make you more confident in your writing - you have more talent than you realise. Your stories are always so accessible - they make me want to settle down in a comfy chair, with a drink in my hand and yours words in front of me and just read and read and read.
Thank you :D Yes, I think he did something very bad.
DeleteI really appreciate your encouragement. I wish you could wave a wand too! In the meantime I will keep on trying.
1000 words is open for submissions again (http://1000words.org.uk/) so I might chance another try; the last ones I sent were rejected for "not being fresh enough, too full of cliche."
Gauntlet thrown down then! x
Good to have some feedback though - now you know what they're looking for. Good luck!
DeleteOh definitely; the question is, can I deliver?
DeleteThis is a powerful voice and a character/story with a lot of potential. Great work.
ReplyDeleteThank you Lisa. Still working on developing a strong voice...
DeleteGracious, that was unexpected! I do hope this is fiction!!
ReplyDeleteOf course ;)
DeleteThanks for reading and commenting.
So many contrasts and choices in this piece. I hope she walks away .... and what did he do? Very nicely done.
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it, thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment :)
DeleteWill she walk away or will she kill him? I hope she finds the strength to walk away - far less messy and dangerous for her. But there is that little compliction that at times she does still love him - albeit when he's asleep. So maybe a permanent state of sleep for him is the answer for her after all? Very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my musings and leaving a comment. What a tangled web she has woven for herself...
ReplyDeleteAnna, what a powerful piece. It reminded me a bit of myself and of women I've known. I understood your protagonist to be an abused woman, perhaps physically because you mentioned his rugby games. That telegraphs something physical in such a short story. It reminded me of my own past dealing with emotional abuse which also had threatening behavior behind it. I felt 'safe' and more able to remember better times when my ex was asleep, as your character does.
ReplyDeleteI'm also thinking that she wants to kill him because she's trapped underneath his threats. I think it's great that you conveyed all this in just 100 words. (Please let me know if I got it wrong.)
Because you spoke in a previous comment here about wanting to have a story published on the 1000 Words site, I'll mention a few things that struck me with this one. I think it would be good practice for you to try this same story again just for yourself, using the same basic structure but trying some different ways to convey her thoughts. If you could give her a little more individuality, use details that tell us more about who she is, it could open up the story.
Is it possible to make it known that it's early morning without having her state it? (This can help you practice using an economy of words.) Does it benefit this particular story for her to tell us plainly that she can't sleep? Could that stress be shown in a different way? Is she speaking directly to the reader, or is she thinking to herself? What would those differences be? In the last sentence, is she questioning her follow through as she leaves him somewhere dying, or is she wondering if she can stop herself from committing murder? Making that last sentence say something a little more specific will help the reader to figure out it's meaning.
If you want to email me about any of this, or anything about writing, I wouldn't mind discussing it with you. The more I talk about the writing process, the more I help myself, too. I've had to teach myself through reading and communicating with writer friends I've met through my blog. My public email is at the bottom of my blog page if you're at all interested. I do know how busy you are so I understand completely if this isn't something you're interested in.
I'll be exploring the 1000 Words site tomorrow. It sounds fascinating. Thank you so much for mentioning it!
Ré, thank you again for taking the time to leave such an interesting and comprehensive comment.
DeleteIt was slightly unnerving reading the first parargraph you wrote. No, you weren't wrong in the slightest.
I really appreciate your replies. You truly are a beautiful blogger :)
When I read the last sentence, I wondered if she was never actually contemplating a real murder. Maybe she was trying to kill him in her mind, giving her the strength to leave him. Good, thought-provoking piece!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting, glad you enjoyed it :)
DeleteOh! I wasn't expecting that, he sounds divine, what on earth has he done?
ReplyDeleteGlad that I managed to be a little unexpected.
DeleteDone? The wrong thing...
Thanks for reading and commenting :)