Self Compassion

 

Here in the UK there has just been a general election. Living in a democratic country we have the choice to vote or not. This got me thinking about self compassion and conversations held in classrooms when children ( often at the start of the new school year) put themselves forward to represent the school on various coiuncils/forums/groups.

Chldren will put together the reasons for why they should be chosen and their peers then vote.

'Can I vote for myself?' is a question I have always been asked in these situations. 
The answer I have alwatys given ( and this is where you will see that my opening preamble about the election was not totally random!) : 'Of course you can. After all, everyone gets to vote and if you don't havw belief in yourself how can you expect anyone else to?'

Obviously general election votes are secret , but I can't imagine that politicians vote for their opponents.

So self compassion, self belief. Way before mindfulness was something I had heard of this was something that I firmly believed in and still do. 

So why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves? Why, when we can show kindness to strangers, give to charity, tear up at a sad story on the news and be there for our friends are we so often our own greatest critic? 

Is it a fear of coming across as conceited? Is it the pressure to be constantly striving to be better.

'Where do you see yourself in five years? What's your plan? What are your goals? Here are some unachievable targets to work towards...' blablabla.  

How about the here and now. How are you doing right now? What's going well? 

I am not for one moment suggesting that we should not have goals, aims, aspirations, targets, dreams. However, it is so easy to get tied up in those. 

I am not perfect- and I wouldn't want to be. Now at an age where I have lost friends to illness the fragility of life becomes so much more apparent. I am trying to be kinder to myself, trying to talk to myself the way I talk to my loved ones when things don't go to plan. 

And does it make a difference? Yes a million times over. It takes practice and there are times when the inner critic shouts loudest, but with the practice the voice is becoming quieter.

Breathe, notice, acknowledge, be kind, process, proceed. 

If you have never had the chance to read the wonderful book by Charlie Mackesy I highly recommend it. The boy, the mole,, the fox anfd the horse. ( There are quite a few on similar themes but this is my favourite ) 

To close, I would like to share this beautiful poem written by Becky Hemsley 2023 

( You can find her on Facebook or her website here )

I know there may have been times in your life when you’ve
stopped dancing, stopped singing, stopped being yourself
because someone was watching you. Judging you.

And you are not the only one to feel this way. But I can’t help thinking that we’ve got it all wrong.

We’ve been taught that we must only be ourselves if it suits other people.

We must only sing if it sounds pleasing to those listening.
We must only dance if it looks good to onlookers.

But we are so wrong.

The birds sing - not because we might listen -
but simply with the joy of being alive.

And the trees dance in the wind - not because it looks good for us -
but because they are alive. Living in the moment. Whatever the moment may bring.

So sing as loud as you wish
and dance as much as you like.

You do not exist for the enjoyment of others.

You exist to be alive.

Properly, fully, beautifully alive.

******

Discovering there's more than I realised to mindfulness

 'Mindfulness? That's just colouring and switching off your mind isn't it?'

'Like counselling but without any actual science or research-based practise isn't it?'

'Bit modern and really not my thing at all.'

A few things that I have heard. 

It's hard to sum up mindfulness in a way that doesn't diminish it. Yes it is about being present, yes it is about being tuned into feelings. Yes to being empathetic, kind and listening. Yes to being non-judgemental.

All these and so much more.  Being kind, showing empathy, being authentic being curious, appreciating life, self, others. Being kind.  These are some of the underpinning aspects. 

Being kind to oneself, showing self-compassion. Bit of a game changer in many ways. SO easy to blame oneself, berate oneself, criticise oneself.  

It's ok to big yourself up- to take a look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are going to have a fab day, and when the day doesn't go so well say that you gave it a good go.

So much more than 'put on a brave face' , 'chin-up' and other often less than helpful phrases.

Acknowledgement goes a lot lot further. Today has been pretty shocking. I am not feeling great about it. I could just not bother tomorrow. All these are totally valid thoughts. Naming, recognising and noticing them. Taking time to process, talk them through or go for a walk, listen to music, make a noise, sing, go for a run.  We all have different ways to redirect energy. 

It's not about parking thoughts, ignoring them or forgetting the past. It's about riding it out. 

I love the film 'Parenthood' and especially this gem from the Grandma:

Grandma's thoughts on life

Ups and downs, highs and lows, happy and sad. All part of life. But I know which parts  I want to focus on. 

Tiny steps on a mindful journey

 Compassionate mindfulness

This was the name of the course that we had all been signed up to take part in. I am not going to go through each stage of it here because that would be disrrespectful to the course leaders, but I will attempt to give a flavour of the first session.

**Breathing exercise to focus the group**

**Some background to what mindfulness is- there are a LOT of definitions and different teachers have their favourites. Suffice to say it is a lot more than 'living in the moment' . It certainly is NOT about 'emptying the mind' and it's not a religion.**  This particular course was mostly based on the work of John Kabat-Zinn

Check this webpage for bios of some other leading mindfulness gurus https://themindfulsteward.com/mindfulness/16-of-the-most-respected-mindfulness-teachers-of-modern-day/ 

**some background to research and how brain activity can be positively affected by regular mindfulness practises**

**A guided meditation**

And before you knew it the time had passed.  

Did it feel strange being in my workplace, with colleagues trying to be relaxed. Yes of course, but very quickly the whole point of just accepting that each feeling came and went, each thought came and went and actually allowing oneself to just have some quiet time was pretty fabulous in itself.  

The big takeaway from the first session was to allow yourself to take some time for yourself. I can hear you shouting at the screen right now, but please bear with.  Just a couple of minutes to stop, take a deep breath, let it out. Repeat. And then move back to whatever it was you were doing.

STOP- stop, take a breath, observe and proceed.

OK that wasn't too bad, still had a list of things to do but went home at the end of the day feeling far more energised than I had been at the start of the day.

Next post will explore the next part of the journey on self compassion. If you would like to read up on this before I post I have recently read this and found it to resonate with me. Check it out https://www.mindful.org/the-transformative-effects-of-mindful-self-compassion/ 

Mindfulness? Isn't that just a bit trendy and 'pop-sciencey'?

 If you had asked me what my opinions and thoughts were around mindfulness a few years ago I would have come up with a list something along the lines of:

trendy

a bit like yoga without the moving

colouring

emptying the mind

not for me

another passing fad

You get the idea. To be perfectly honest it wasn't something that I had given a huge amount of thought to. It wasn't something that came up in my family or social circles, it wasn't something that was considered to be especially relevant at work. In a nutshell it wasn't something that I thought would be for me.

My work situation changed and I started to consider alternative career paths. After various conversations, I started an introduction to counselling course.  At the same time it was suggested at work that we would devote a big chunk of our allocated CPD time to a mindfulness course. To give a little context to this - the pandemic and subsequent lockdowns had just come to an end (the lockdowns anyway had ended) and awareness of mental health , wellbeing across the world was pretty much at the forefront of everyone's thoughts.

I was feeling fairly uninspired by the idea of having to spend a day followed by a series of after work sessions on mindfulness; I found it hard at this point to see beyond the irony of mindfulness and being at work. However, it was certainly something that sounded more interesting than some of the 57,000 slide presentations that one has to sit through sometimes ( sorry, I am prone to exaggeration at times but you get the idea)

The dates were set. Compassionate mindfulness. Here goes...

My next post will continue the journey. I am not going to get all evangelical about things, that's not my style (not even sure that I have a style!) but it's a journey that I am so happy to have started and three years down the line feel that it's one to keep on exploring and learning from.

A mindful journey

 Do follow my journey into mindfulness; I have been busy these past couple of years starting along this new course and am excited to share this with you. My intention is to update in small steps so keep a check for the beginning of the journey coming very soon.

Nine Perfect Strangers, Liane Moriaty

 I am a HUGE fan of Liane Moriaty's books since first listening to Big Little Lies. In fact I am such a fan that I have told pretty much everyone that I know this fact and recommended her books to all my friends and family ( most of whom also love her stories)

So, when this book came out in 2019 I was eager to read- it made Waterstones book of the month- I could hardly wait to get started. This is what the Waterstones website says:

** One house. Nine strangers. Ten days that will change everything...

The eagerly-anticipated new novel from the worldwide Number One bestselling author behind Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning HBO series Big Little Lies and smash-hit novel The Husband's Secret.

The retreat at health-and-wellness resort Tranquillum House promises total transformation. Nine stressed city dwellers are keen to drop their literal and mental baggage, and absorb the meditative ambience while enjoying their hot stone massages.

Miles from anywhere, without cars or phones, they have no way to reach the outside world. Just time to think about themselves, and get to know each other.

Watching over them is the resort's director, a woman on a mission. But quite a different one from any the guests might have imagined. For behind the retreat's glamorous facade lies a dark agenda.

These nine perfect strangers have no idea what's about to hit them...

** ( taken from https://www.waterstones.com/book/nine-perfect-strangers/liane-moriarty/9781405919463) 

Whew- sounds pretty incredible. I was excited to find out what the dark agenda at Tranquillum house was, who this strange director was- yes, I was well and truly drawn in by the hype and couldnt wait to read the book.

What can I say other than, 'Oh dear me!' From the start it just did not do it for me in the slightest. The nine perfect strangers , with their varying hang-ups and issues just did not ring true and as for Masha- she was so far fetched that I often had to re-read sections to check that I had actually read it correctly. I read right to to end as I kept hoping that it would grab me like every other of her stories, but instead it became more and more ridiculous. Had it been sold as a comedy ( a pretty black one at that ) it may have worked better but to be taken seriously in any shape or form seemed an impossibilty. Each time I thought - well that couldn't possibly be about to happen - it did. 

I know it's been made into an incredibly popular drama with the rather wonderful Nicole Kidman but I'm not planning to watch it. I am still a fan of Ms Moriaty and will read her next books with interest. Perhaps she was writing with her tongue firmly in her cheek and the whole thing was just two fingers to the high priced ( and perhaps not necessarily scientifically approved) centres that promise much and charge more. I suspect Covid put paid to many of those.  

So, if you are looking for utter nonsense with cliched characters, bizarre treatments and a cartoon-esque villain ( think Cruella, Maleficent- that's the type of character Masha is !) then you may well enjoy it. But if you like credible storylines with characters that you can empathise with and a plot that intrigues, this may not be the best choice.

One word to sum up- 

incredible

/ɪnˈkrɛdɪb(ə)l/

Learn to pronounce

adjective

1. 1.

   impossible to believe.

 

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue VE Shwab

 

READ THIS BOOK!

This fantasy novel tells  the life of Addie LaRue . Addie lives with her family and is due to marry a man she does not love. But in the 18th century a young  woman does not have a voice, or a choice. She has to follow the path chosen by her parents. In desperation she makes a pact with the devil.

 A free life is her wish- and it is granted but of course there is a price to pay. Addie LaRue becomes immortal but no one can remember her, no one can say her name. She cannot say who she is, or leave a mark. And so, the story begins.

 This book (another that I listened to) takes the reader/listener on an intricate journey through over 300 years of  artists, wars, love, loss, ecstasy and despair.   

It definitely makes my list of favourite reads. The story twists and turns as Addie learns to live in a world where no one can say her name and no one can remember her. Time and time again she is given the opportunity to surrender her soul and have peace, but she refuses to give in and strives to find ways to outwit the devil.  Addie finds that although she can not be remembered, ideas can  and this gives her the strength to continue century after century. Everything is thrown into confusion though when Henry DOES remember her. How could this happen after so many years?  

 I was gripped from the start. If you enjoyed Matt Haig's Time , this book would appeal to you.  Strong characters  and beautifully described settings. Perhaps it will be made into a film...  

Having read some scathing reviews of this book which critised the lack of diversity / missed historical opportunities, I'd just like to add that I read to be entertained. As a full time teacher , my free time is precious and for me , reading is my relaxation, my chilling time. I do like to read a variety of genres, but particularly with this book it met my need to have a story to be immersed in. For me this book is one to revisit,to tell people about because it's a fantastic story told authentically.