Wednesday, 30 November 2011

100 words for grown ups week 21

I have finally got round to this week's effort. Have still not come up with a great idea for the other competition, but loving the idea of randomly choosing a prompt. Is on my "to do" list.

I would welcome any constructive criticism on my 100 word pieces. If you like it/hate it/feel ambivalent please let me know! I very much enjoy the weekly challenge set by Julia (find it at http://jfb57.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/100-word-challenge-for-grown-ups-week-21/ ) 
 I hope to develop my writing; as a teacher I am constantly providing my class with (what I hope to be ) stimulating writing opportunities with follow up to improve work. I'd be very interested to have feedback to help me improve my writing.

The other entries can be found by clicking here- http://www.linkytools.com/wordpress_list.aspx?id=117959&type=basic

I'm going to take  look now.
In the meantime, here is mine for this week. The prompt was a photo showing a view through a wooden window. I took this to be the shed in the garden that Kit had been back to in previous posts of mine (http://mrshalford.blogspot.com/2011/09/100-words-for-grown-ups-week-10.html )

SECRETS IN THE GARDEN

“You’ve got a nerve, turnin’ up after all these years!”
Kit spun round at the familiar voice, “I... was just...”
“Stickin’ your nose in. It’s been too long. Just turn round and this time, never come back.” With a dismissive sniff she turned sharply and headed towards the garden gate.
“Wait! Please. I can explain.” Kit’s voice was barely a whisper. “Mum!”
The older woman stopped as though frozen, quickly regained her composure and walked slowly back, her face set. “Don’t ever call me that again, d’you hear me? You’re no daughter of mine, not after what happened.”
Kit pulled the letter from her pocket.

17 comments:

  1. The tension in this piece is well crafted. Love 'stopped as though frozen'
    Could possibly have had her 'speaking in a frosty voice' or 'Icily she replied'
    Just suggestions to continue the theme.

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  2. OOh my mind is racing with all the possibilities, I love that my imagination is trying to fill in the before and afters.

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  3. Thanks Alison; like that suggestion :O) Version one ran at about 200 words so I had to do lots of cropping :S

    Thankyou for commenting Tinuke; am trying not to give it all away in these short pieces!

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  4. Fabulous stuff! So many unanswered questions!

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  5. I love the tension in this piece. I can feel the mother's fury in the way she interrupts her daughter.

    I also like the contrasting speeds of movement in "stopped..quickly regained...walked slowly."

    If I'm being really-very-extremely picky I'd say look at the wording at the start: "turnin' up", "just turn around", "she turned" - it's a lot of turning. I'd suggest maybe "coming back", "just leave" and then keep the last one as "she turned".

    There - two stars and a wish as promised :-)

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  6. Thankyou for taking the time to comment Dughall.

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  7. Thank you for those suggestions Sally Jayne...hadn't even noticed the over-use of turned. Much appreciated. :-D

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  8. Ooh what happened between them? What had Kit done? What is the letter all about? So many questions left unanswered... Love it.

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  9. You've evoked the tension between these two well and created curiosity about what has caused it and why the mother feels unable to listen.

    Things I saw that could be worked on: the exclamation point runs counter to Kit's voice being barely a whisper, and the letter being pulled from Kit's pocket creates a kind of curiosity that we can't satisfy by rereading the story and looking for clues.

    I hope these are the kinds of observations you're looking for, and that they help.

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  10. Enjoyed the dynamics and clear characters. Well done, Robin

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  11. @midlifesinglemum thanks for your comments, letter was one referred to in previous post...not revealed content...yet.

    @sparksinshadow thank you so much for those points...exactly the sort of critique I would like. Agreed the story might be clearin my head, but need to make it accessible to the reader too. Thanks again.

    @robin thanks for reading and commenting.

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  12. Excellent writing, the tension builds throughout and leaves us wanting more. xx

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  13. Oh you tease Anna! I need to know what is in that letter now. You have transferred that relationship to these few words brilliantly! Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  14. Cant add much more than others but letter certainly makes more sense reading the previous piece. Love how the prompts seem to progress the same story :)

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  15. G Sussex

    Open the letter : ) I so want to hear what's coming next!

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  16. @Julia thanks for your comments. Glad you enjoyed it. Am trying to not be too predictable in these pieces.

    @ventahl Yes, this piece has too many unanswered questions without reading the other piece first. It was a bit of a cheat carrying on the theme really! Thanks for taking the time to comment :)

    @GSussex I await the next prompt with interest...will continue this one as there are lots of ways I'd like to take Kit. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. :)

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