Topical pieces will be a-plenty I'm sure with the budget tomorrow, however, finances not really my thing so I have gone back to my character , Kit (previous pieces about her can be found http://mrshalford.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/100-words-for-grown-ups-week-21.html and http://mrshalford.blogspot.com/2011/09/100-words-for-grown-ups-week-10.html
Would welcome any comments , critiques welcomed .
Find the rest at: http://www.linkytools.com/wordpress_list.aspx?id=136717&type=basic
An unexpected turn of events
The last mourners had gone. Alone at last, Kit kicked off her shoes and sank into the comfort of her Grandmother's armchair. Her racing mind was filled with an array of unanswered questions.
The doorbell’s chime interrupted her thoughts, but she was surprised to find no visitor, just a battered red box on the doorstep.
She carried it inside and placed it on the table. Opening the lid she pushed aside the layers of tissue to reveal a smaller box and a letter with her name written in a hand she instantly recognised.
With trembling hands she began to read,
"My dearest Kit...
I loved this piece. The element of wonder and gentle surprise....
ReplyDeleteThank you. I always like a story with some surprises in! (But not budgets!)
DeleteOooh lovely. I especially like 'Opening the lid she pushed aside the layers of tissue to reveal a smaller box and a letter with her name written in a hand she instantly recognised.' A totally delicious sentence - a story in microcosm.
ReplyDeleteThanks Alison, I thought a box in a box made it more mysterious. Too many hands though...
DeleteTHat sentence is fine IMO. 'Written in a hand' is a bit more dramatic than the tame 'in writing', despite the extra words. Change 'With trembling hands' to 'The note trembled as' or 'In trepidation ...' But what ever u do, Anna's right about the hands.
Deletethanks Ventahl for taking the time to comment. Those darn hands have got me all in a muddle!
DeleteI would maybe change the "with trembling hands" to Shakily she began to read... or Taking a deep breath, she started to read... "
That's the thing with writing- can play about with it endlessly :O)
eply ↓
ReplyDeleteSparks In Shadow on March 20, 2012 at 8:59 pm said: Julia, I hope you don’t mind if I copy and paste a comment here for Anna Halford. I’m having a lot of trouble getting Blogger to publish my comments on her entry. I’ll try to direct her here later via Twitter.
To Anna Halford (I tried to leave this on your entry for this week): This feels like it’s going to be a good surprise because of the salutation, bittersweet perhaps, but welcome.
I think you’ve written this very well, so I have only one tiny bit of critique. I’ve found that words can be tricky sometimes when we use the same one in very close sentences. Sometimes it helps to find a different word for something, or a different phrase, only because a certain repetition detracts rather than enhances a passage. One way to address that here would be to say something like: “… with her name in writing she instantly recognized.” Removing the close repetition of the word “hand” would make “… trembling hands …” read stronger. It would also give you two more words to work with, but there are other ways to accomplish this. I just wanted to give an example for clarity.
I can’t wait to find out what’s in the letter and the box!
Thank you so much for leaving such a conprehensive comment. Having read it again I totally agree. The repetition f the word hand makes the last part sound rather clumsy (heavy handed lol) . I usually save a draft and come back the next day before posting...will definitely do so next time. Appreciate your feedback. Thankyou:-D
DeleteI can only imagine what wonderful things Kit's grandmother had to say to her!
ReplyDeleteThank you :O) Kit is a troubled soul and the letter will help her to find her way.
DeleteThis is a great opener - the reader can't help but want to read more of this. Well done.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting. 100 words I can manage; to extend further eludes me though...
DeleteSuch a lovely piece and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThankyou Susan :-)
DeleteLots of intrigue. I think my mind works differently to everyone else's though. All the other commenters are wondering what the letter says; I want to know who did the delivering and why they didn't stick around!
ReplyDeleteAhhh, you're on my wavelength, they tie in...
DeleteIf you can write 100 this well you can certainly continue! have you tried asking yourself what if?
ReplyDeleteThanks Gilly, I am presently trying a flash fiction competition to see if anything I can come up with gets me anywhere...we shall see :-)
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